Look Out World, Here We Come (Again)

By - Chana Elgin

Hop in your recliners, you obese Americans; it's time to watch the athletes that actually make their dads proud (and lived up to their dreams of not working as an accountant earning minor ducats at a thankless job) do some real work!

What a better example to epitomize America than the U.S. men's basketball team? Truthfully I don't know, and I also doubt most of these guys even have dads to make proud (not necessarily a racial insinuation), so what's your excuse?

Photo from: ftrsports.com

Okay, I always get told to be less harsh (racist); I know you can't help you're balding and growing a substantial middle part, but I have several theories regarding why these guys look like it's their mission to single-handedly infiltrate the Olympics and claim all of the gold like Cortez; except, I doubt anyone will call the Brits Indians to their face...unless they're Indian and British, which is a real thing for those of you (most of you) uneducated.

America is certainly in a time of crisis. The economy is in shambles, unemployment at staggering rates of a steady eight percent, I'm pretty sure there are some hungry individuals, and we can't forget to mention the ever-looming terrorist threat.

If I was Obama, or supreme leader of any other entity, you better believe I would have commissioned the biggest, baddest, blac... you get it, to rally American supporters and play Olympic basketball like they were that guy who played Captain America, or Thor, but I didn't use him as an example because he's not from the United States, and therefore, a terrorist.

Really, what is there to say? Capitalism reigns, we picked the best players in the NBA, we're going to let them play for our image, and I'm pretty sure they are just going to annihilate any matchup during the actual games. I'd say Kobe, LeBron, Coach K, and company are off to a pretty good start, recently defeating Britain by about 40 points; in their defense, I'd be a scrawny, pale Brit too weak to even shoot the ball if my diet was strictly Guinness and fried fish.

For a while there, everyone was acting pretty upset about suggestions to receive payment for services rendered at the Olympics. One, you're making more money than God, all of you; two- I actually agree with you.

Why shouldn't our athletes be paid?

They already think they're hustlers working just to get paid and fornicate with women of the night, do we want to alter their sense of mind, their state of being, and make them think otherwise? I know they're not buying their own meals, they didn't pay for those uniforms made in China- effectively, they are already being paid.

I remember an Olympic team of 2008, humble and redeeming our basketball image. I find it incredibly humorous we previously did not select our athletes from the professional league OF basketball and even more humorous we then moved to the opposite extreme of loading the roster with an assortment of demi-gods insurmountable even in Greece. Supposedly that's all because of some rules or whatever, but legislation has never stopped us before.

I enjoyed watching America play during the last games, defeating every nation in their path, but I can't help but wonder if while they did all that hoop work I was being inundated with a series of propaganda represented by the first unit of Kobe, LeBron and co; defeating the country also crushed said country's ideation.

China? Beating them crushed communism. Italy? We were really playing to preserve America from becoming a cultural mecca for the world, thank God. Beating Britain this time around as we've recently done is no different: sorry, you blasted Redcoats, this one's for America.

More than all of that political rhetoric I just made up, I think this time on the Olympic team is good for the NBA powerhouse divas. Like going back to college- is Coach K responsible? I respect the man because the media tells me to, but I think the players (playas…again not racist (necessarily)) do as well.

Not a single story of hooking up with an 18-year-old in a pub? The drinking age in London is appropriate. Okay, you're arguing those guys don't have time for pub crawls- my ass. Sneaking out of their room? Coach K is a tough cookie, but I don't think he's taping their doors at night so they can catch the night owls the next morning. Honestly, some scandal could be good for us. Well, me anyway; it'd definitely generate more interest, at least.

I love eating my words and all, but playing the dominant strategy at the games is going to be much better for our international interests than taking a liberal approach and allowing, or otherwise, a weaker nation of possible terroristic threat to win at all. None of the other athletes are at the games for any other reason. I think they're all getting a White House lunch and Obama sticker party favor for showing the world who's boss, much better than receiving a stinking silver medal.

So cue up that NBC Olympic theme music! Let's all go to London!