May 12, 2012

You'd Think That I'm Aaron Burr By the Way I'm Dropping Hamiltons

By - Chana Elgin

Oakland A's pitcher Brandon McCarthy isn't afraid to ask the hard questions. Yesterday, he (@BMcCarthy32) tweeted this hilarious gem: "Siri, how do you get Josh Hamilton out?"

Survey says: There's just not a way to stop him.

Photo by: Joy R. Absalon
Of course, I have extreme Texas bias and loyalty to those who win a lot, but there's really no disputing the facts.

Isn't it the cardinal sin of all cardinal sins and the number one rule in baseball to not talk about how well a player is doing? No? Only applicable in perfect game-type settings? Well then!

Because we don't have all year to analyze this whole season, in the past six games we're talking 10 runs, 12 hits, 15 RBIs, not to mention all of those home runs, which you know, if you watched Moneyball like me to brush up on your baseball understanding, is good.

I mean, anyone on the back of currency is already doing pretty well, but 9 home runs in the past six games? May this be your notice; persons named Aaron Burr will be turned away at the Ballpark in Arlington. …that joke was super nerdy and lame.

In case you live under a rock or live in terrorist-ruled lands and didn't notice, Tuesday was a pretty big day for Hamilton: He became the 16th player in major league history to hit 4 homers in a game, a 10-3 win over the O's.

And such a humble attitude to boot.

"It (the ball(s) returned to him after the game) will probably end up in one of my closets or rolling down a slide in the backyard, the girls playing with it," Hamilton said Wednesday.

Oh, not a big deal. I'm just basically the bomb. I hope Josh thinks like that, anyway.

No really- he is pretty humble:

"It means a lot. It's special to me. But I can't live there," he said. "I take the confidence with me of having a good game, like I would if I was 4-for-5 or 5-for-5 with five singles. I'm getting on base and scoring runs. You take all those things with you, but you don't take the moment to the next day because 99.9% of the time it isn't going to happen again. 100% of the time in the case of this. Don't live there. Just prepare and move forward."

A good, wholesome sports figure is exactly what America needs during these times of crisis and end. Uncertain economic futures, high unemployment- he's basically Captain America fighting Al Qaeda who hate baseball. Look it up.

Other people are definitely noticing the guy who is arguably the best player in the AL, too:

"Hands down, he's the best player in the American League," Indians manager Manny Acta said. "He plays a premium position, he's a five-tool guy. At times, like last night, he looks like a 15-year-old playing with 10-year-olds. He's that talented."

Thank you for breaking that down for me, Acta. That part about the pre-pubescent boys and the pubescent ones really put things in perspective for all of us.

Unfortunately for the Rangers and for all of the people who truly enjoy baseball, all 12 of you, Hamilton is not the whole team and the Rangers lost this afternoon at home to the Los Angeles Angels.

Hamilton's juice (possibly an allegation intended) and his 18 home runs wasn't enough to stop CJ Wilson or Angels' team martyr Kendrys Morales tie-breaking, pinch hit sacrifice fly in the seventh, which led Los Angeles to a 4-2 victory.

The season is long and very young, and even though during the times when he's not hitting homers, which- might I remind you- is mostly, he's still doing pretty fantastic. Never mind his strikeout, err strikeouts today -- or during any of those other games. His .402 average and 41 RBIs is in no way terrible.

Josh, if we were you, we'd finish this season hella strong, let your contract expire, and then ask for a fattest pile of money you can fathom. If the Rangers don't have it, someone will; but leaving Dallas is entirely optional and in no way what we would do. We're just saying.

Plain and simple, he's an explosive player with a great career still ahead of him. How huge it will be is up to him…and crack cocaine.

Yeah, I said it.


  1. Unreal how hot Hamilton has been. Imagine how great he could have been and where he'd be at this point in his career had he not struggled so much with substance abuse..

  2. More than 12 people like baseball. It's probably closer to 25.

  3. You summed it up with that second to last paragraph. If he can stay clean the sky is the limit for him. Hopefully he can.

  4. Hamilton's one of my favorite players, so I really hope he can stay clean the remainder of his career.

    If he can, American League pitchers are in serious trouble the next 4-5 years AT LEAST.